I am participating in the ‘Writing Contest: You Are A Writer’ held by Positive Writer. Click here for details!
Writing
contests, at least the two that I've been brave enough to enter, have first
brought out my deepest insecurities then second, some of my best writing. Why
is this?
I suspected
from a very early age that I'd missed out on the ‘Creativity Gene' all
together. I didn't know for certain but I'd thought then that I lacked this
critical ingredient; that I was somehow inexplicably Un-Creative.
I knew I was
smart maybe even a bit crafty but not in a knitted-dish-cloth-kind-of-way, no,
I was more like the sneaky-crafty type! I had to find a way to outwit my 5
other siblings and competition could be stiff so using one’s smarts was
paramount to survival in a family of 7 others!
This
‘sneakiness’ of mind manifested itself during my high school years as the
person, me, who would finish everyone else’s creative writing assignments…for a
price naturally! I found it fun & maybe just a little challenging too
as I had deadlines to maneuver around and then there was the necessity of
variety so that all those stories didn't sound like they’d been written by the
same person-which of course they had been.
But, to
consider myself a writer? No, never because I wasn't the creative
type and besides there was a greater incentive behind the writing-real goodies
like candy and stuff!
Throughout
the rest of my school years and well into my employment experience writing was
there in some form or another. I wrote short stories for the office rag.
Storytelling was something I loved doing yet, I could not own the identity of
writer-wanna-be it just felt too…fake, not me, I mean, I just didn't possess
the creative soul that it takes to be, well, the creative type! This became a
galvanized idea within my psyche. I’d created this alter-idea of myself so that
I could function in a world where creativity was some kind of sacred path but
not just anyone could lay claim to this hallowed state of being only those
deemed the ‘special people’ which I clearly was not.
I’d dabbled
in painting but that too felt like just another futile path until I dropped it
completely after several false starts. I really wanted to be creative. I sensed
that being in the creativity-club meant you were somehow more whole as a
person. You were complete whereas I simply felt hollow and counterfeit to my
core.
Perhaps I
would have lived my life this way never feeling the fulfillment one gets with
taking risks and challenging one’s own status-quo. Sure, I took risks I was an
adventuresome person but I’d not dared to venture beyond my comfort zones;
beyond the physical, logical and practical realms and besides I didn't like
surprises anyway. But, something happened that was so unexpected, so out there
and utterly mind-blowing that my perspective about life, mine in particular
would never be the same again-not even close!
I suffered a
huge trauma. Then a short time later came the drama, then more drama and then,
after that, some more drama. Suddenly, not only did I have something to write
about but I had lots to say too plus I felt compelled to write, yes, you read
that right, c-o-m-p-e-l-l-e-d to write!! I felt inspired coupled with a deep
inner knowing that this was something I needed to do. I was ecstatic! But wait
a second I’m not a creative person so how can I expect to pull this off? I’m no
writer, am I?!
Which brings
me back to my initial question; why do these types of situations, contests and
what are essentially proving grounds bring out such fear, vulnerability and
sagging confidence in me?
Well it all
goes back to feeling like a fraud. All the insecurities I ever felt about not
being in the creativity-club come up and taunt me once again then before I can
run and hide I begin to write. I write from my gut. I don’t really think too
much about it, the words just flow and I know it’s real; it’s really me in here
after all.
You Are
Enough;)
Michelle xo
I always thought you were the creative one...and me the complete lacking in any talent. Funny how we perceive each other growing up. But I can very much attest to the craftiness and the need to be so in a family of 7 for the early years and then 8 for the later years ...especially around food....you learned to eat with your arm around your plate...yes, just like jail! LOL
ReplyDeleteYou sure are!!!
ReplyDeleteLOL! omg, you are so funny! Did I actually eat like that?! Naturally, I don't recall Anything of the sort;)
ReplyDelete